Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I've been looking at a lot of these photos lately. Photos of the beach seem to calm me down and fill me with warmth more than anything besides actually being there in person. I'll take what I can get at this point. Like the title states, life is up in the air, and I really don't like it when life is up in the air. I wish I could just sit down and build something, or make something, or even cook at this point, but my mind wont stop reeling enough for me to even thing about that stuff!
If there's one thing that I've learned in the last 10 years of my life, it's that I don't like change. I hate it, in fact. I hate starting over...I hate starting fresh. I just want things that I'm comfortable with. I want to know people...not meet new people. I want to know how to do my job...not learn a new one. The extent of the change that I'm comfortable with is rearranging furniture in my house, which is one thing that I have done lately to try and turn my brain off.
I don't want to talk about the details of why life is up in the air. All I will say is that it's a big change...huge...to me at least.
I'm not worried, I'm not concerned, I'm not sad, I'm not even scared of the situation itself. The only thing that I'm scared of is the fact that I feel like I'm starting to welcome this change. Since when do I do that??? I should be scared out of my mind that everything I know is going to disappear and I will have to start all over! But I'm not afraid of that at all....I'm actually excited. Excited to the point that I feel like I'll be disappointed if things don't change.
Along with my previous hate for change I also really really hate surprises. Well, I guess I like surprises, but I hate the anticipation for the surprise. A surprise isn't a surprise if you know that it's coming! I've been praying and praying and praying for God to help me find peace in all of this, and I feel like God is saying "Hey, I have a surprise for you! But...you have to wait for it for a while!" ARRGH! Now my mind is sick with anticipation! Which is why I can't focus on anything! I know I can't do anything to make things resolve sooner, but I feel like I need to! Like my mind wont rest until I know for sure!
For now, I guess I will just continue to stare at calming photographs of beaches, oceans, and palm trees...
Who knows...maybe this surprise plan that God has for me will lead me to the beach :)